Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
