Tell her she can't have a vagina
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
