My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Enjoy the penises
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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