there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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