It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
