It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
