Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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