home. puking in laundry basket.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize