Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
