i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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