I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
