3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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