I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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