Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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