Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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