Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize