was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
