Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
