im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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