im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
