I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
