and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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