i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
