There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
