One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
