I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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