Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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