there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
