Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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