So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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