i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
