i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's on the porch naked. Help.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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