can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
