In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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