just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
