Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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