I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
