Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize