Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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