i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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