forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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