my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
