I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
