You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
