Where did you get a picture of my penis
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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