Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
