I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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