i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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