yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
