I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
