We named our party play list daddy issues
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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