so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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