So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
