Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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