I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize