I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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