My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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