good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
