Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
