ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
